Drowning In Memories
by charliespike18
Summary: Jac Naylor is remided of the one man she's alway trying to forget.


Jac's P.O.V

I am sitting on the floor of my bathroom. My hands contorted in tight fists and I'm scared. So Frightened. I'm meant to be Jac Naylor; the heartless, fearless ice queen, but if anyone saw me right now they would know who far from the truth that description is. I lash out; punching the wall, then flinch at the pain that is coursing through my body. I jerk my hand to my chest and clutch the limb that is viciously stinging. In a way I don't feel the pain. I mean, I do feel the pain but comparatively to other hurt if felt in my life it's not really much. I shut my eyes and squeeze them tight. I'm suddenly aware of the tears pricking at the back eyelids.

I lean my head backwards until it's touching the tiled wall and blow out. The pain in my hand is still there but it's improving. The memory of the morning zooms into my head; _Throwing up was not how I had planned to start the day, but that didn't stop the contents of my stomach emptying itself into my bathroom loo at 3 am in the morning. My head had swirled as another wave of sickness jolted through me. Jonny entered the room as I was violently sick again. "Jac," I didn't really register the word. "Jac, are you O.K?" He asked. I managed to nod weakly. "Fine, fine. Don't worry, just a stomach bug." I reiterated for about the third time. Jonny looked rather sceptical as he slumped to the ground next to me. He put his arm round me and pulled me near, I tried to protest. "Shh, shh Jac. It's all going to be O.K. Shh." He soothed calmly. _Jonny had persuaded me to take the day off and had gone to work. The poor man was rather worried about me. He hadn't actually said it, but I knew what he'd been thinking since I had woken him up at 3 am. It was a thought that haunted me; it still haunted me after all this time. He thinks I might be pregnant and if I'm really honest, so do I.

The memory of when I last sat on my bathroom floor creeps slowly into my mind. All those years ago, in a time I wish to forget, I sat in the very place I am now, thinking exactly the same thing. Now it shouldn't be so complicated, I shouldn't feel so desperately alone and I shouldn't feel so dreadfully terrified, but I do. If I am pregnant I don't really know what I'll do. What I have with Jonny is fun, but I can never be anything more. There can never be a baby, because I can't let there be. Despite the fact that I want to be happy and feel loved, I know Jonny can't do that. I know he loves me but for me to be happy I have to live in the past. Before it all went so drastically wrong.

Last time I thought I was pregnant was just after I had slept with_ him_, we were both blind drunk when it happened, so it didn't really mean anything. _He_ was with Faye, he'd moved on. I wasn't leading him on, contrary to what everyone, including _him,_ thought; I really thought I was pregnant. In reality I was just sick. Maybe that what's happening now? No Jac don't kid yourself. _His_ face clouds my mind, along with every memory I have of the only man I will ever love. If I'm honest if feel like I'm drowning in them. That's new; I've never felt like I was drowning in memories before. It scares me. I am trying; in vain it feels like, to stop thinking about him, and to think about someone who cares, here and now, not in the past. Think about Jonny. Jonny who comes from Scotland, and has a cute ascent, Jonny who loves me and worries about me, Jonny who I am actually brave enough to text. Think about him.

* * *

Three days later and I'm sitting at my desk in the office that I share with Elliot. I stare at my computer screen not really thinking of anything in particular when my office partner ambles in. He closes the door and looks up at me, his blue eyes observing me intently. "What?" I ask while fiddling with a pencil. He takes another step towards me. "I…I have a letter for you." He says hesitantly. "Just give it to me and be on your way," I reply sharply. He seems to contemplate what he's going to say next. "Jac please don't hit me or anything…..But it's from him." Elliot does not even need to say _his_ name for me to know who he means. "Throw it in an incinerator." I say, I am aware that it's a bit harsh but I really can't deal with it and my other more pressing problem. "Jac, please…." I won't let him persuade me to read it, I can't, I can't. "Get out!" I shout just as Mo and Jonny enter. "What's happening?" Mo inquires, and then looks from me to Elliot. I feel the tears stinging my eyes I cannot do this anymore, I stand up and run, pushing past Elliot and Jonny and Mo.

* * *

Elliot's P.O.V

"What's wrong with her Elliot. Why was she shouting at you?" Mo asks, and I know I can't betray the one secret Jac most definitely does not want Jonny knowing. "It was nothing, she's just a little stressed," I go to walk out the room, and hear Mo say, "A little stressed?! I wonder what a really stressed Jac would be like?"

I find Jac in a heap on the floor of theatre one, I don't really know why she came here. "Are you O.K? You really didn't need to flip like that" I declare, sliding down next to her. "I'm pregnant," She states calmly. "And I can't have him poping back into my life right now. Can I?" She seems to ask me a question at the end, a question I certainly don't know the answer to. "Do you love him?" It's my turn to pose a question. "Which him?" She replies. "Do you still love him?" I say, making my question more obvious. Jac nods and then stares at me, her blue eyes filling with tears. "Then read the letter, he might still care."

After a long pause she finally speaks "He doesn't care, no one really does," Jac snaps, a tear rolling down her cheek, how can she believe that, he never stopped loving her, even after all she did. "Jac stop lying. First, stop lying to yourself, second stop lying to Jonny and finally stop lying to Joseph." This makes the ice queen really crack; I've never seen her like this before; torrents of tears are falling down her face. I hug her close to me, cradling her like the dad she never had, and tell her everything's going to be alright, that where going to get through this; it's all going to be O.K.

* * *

Half an hour later we're back up in our office, when Jac turns to me. "I want to read the letter," She asks, it then I realise that I dropped the letter when Mo and Jonny came in earlier that day. I quickly scan the floor, it's not there. I find out where it is when Mo barges in, Jonny hot on her heels. "Who's Joseph?" Mo shouts. Jac glances desperately across at me. "Do you love him?" Jonny asks after a pause.

**Hope its goodx Charliex **


End file.
